I made an impulse buy of a $30 Elvis suit 3 weeks before leaving Australia in Jan 2008 to travel for a year. It's crap....and now it's coming with me. I don't sound like Elvis, look like Elvis, or sing like Elvis. I am Crap Elvis.
They say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". I stayed in Vegas, but I'm not sure if I happened. I'm so confused.
Yes, I gambled. A total of $7 and walked away with $11. I took on the casinos and beat them. I'm bringing down the house. They must have been on to me, coz they didn't comp me. Fortunately I got out before they dragged me off to the little unmarked room at the back.
How embarrasing - they both went out that night in the same dress...
It's a canyon, and it's grand. Up to that point I'd always been told that Adelaide was the biggest hole in the world.
Moments after the photo I threw him over the edge.
After finally finishing a few weeks in Mexico it was onto LA -out with the tacos, in with the tacky. Finally somewhere I wouldn't look out of place. And the celebrity scene didn't disappoint with a sighting of Aussie movie star Guy Pearce just 2 hours after arriving (was in the queue behind him at The Roxy to see Russell Brand), and also singer kd lang and actor John Stamos popping up elsewhere - although originally I mistook kd lang for John Stamos, and John Stamos for kd Lang. I'm sure that happens all the time.
Outside Graumans Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, where lots of amazing lookalikes hang out. Apparently I wasn't seen as a threat.
Best thing I heard whilst hanging out outside the theatre was "That Elvis looks nothing like him, they're so much better in Vegas." I didn't feel the need to spoil their disappointment with an explanation.
Ooh, itchy wig.
Spent a couple of days in the gym to help the local team out.
Also spent some time in Sequoia National Park, home of the world's largest tree. The one below is called "The President." Although surely it would make more sense if "The President" was a bush.
OK, actually playing catch-up on the blog at the mo as have just arrived in the UK. But still have a few unaccounted weeks to post up here. So here's more from Mexico, then will try and whack the stuff from the US up in the next couple of days...please pretend you care.
Pssst...wanna buy a pyramid?
Well, I thought I'd seen the one "if you only see one historical site in Mexico, you must see this" historical site in Mexico, but by the time I got to the ancient city of Teotihuacan, it was already my third. However, people trying to justify me having to see it, kept pointing out that this one was built by the Aztecs as opposed to the Mayans. Well try explaining that to Arthur Ramsbottom, world spot-the-difference champion, who is still stumped. They're big, they're amazing, they look the same. Show me one built by the ancient Ikea-ans put together from a stadium sized flat pack with an allen key, and then I'll start getting interested.
One of the highlights of this day out was seeing the huge number of souvenir hawkers at the bases of the pyramids selling huge amounts of various pyramid keyrings, snowdomes (???), letter openers etc to archaeology buffs. After all, nothing captures the memory of these giant ancient monuments of history more than a 2 inch pyramid shaped plastic fridge magnet made in China. Obviously I wasn't able to support the hawkers income, as pyramid marketing is illegal where I come from.
A few other random photos from around Mexico City:
Mexican taxi drivers still clinging onto their bid for the next Herbie movie to be made in the capital. Plus who needs flashy extras like air-conditioning, electric windows, and fully functioning brakes anyway?
A native Mexican healer practising his ancient art. I wish someone would have told me that before I asked for an autograph from what I thought was a member of Village People down on his luck. How awkward.
It was also in Mexico City I found that if the Crap Elvis thing ever falls in a heap, Crap Mexican Wrestler is easily attainable ("around the world in a 70 peso mask").
Some people claim the Lucha Libre (Mexican wrestling) is just a scripted show, but on the night we were there, there was an unexplained midget in a blue monkey outfit in one of the corners. Now why would any writer think that might be funny?!
With this video, you can be the judge. It's a clip I found on Youtube of a tribute to the above wrestling midget legend called Que Monito.
After leaving Miami, which seemed to be full of partying Americans on holiday, it was on to Cancun (Mexico), which seemed to be full of partying Americans on holiday. So wanting to blend in (as much as a man in a ridiculously bad Elvis suit can), one night was spent in one of the wildest nightclubs in the world - Cocobongo. You know it´s been a good night when a midget dressed as Beetlejuice flying above the dance floor is one of the more normal happenings of the night.
Midget and regular size Beetlejuices and a schoolmistress above our heads at Cocobongo. Lots of people off their heads below them.
I have to admit that before I got to Mexico, I had a cliched image of eating tacos and drinking Corona every day. So far I´ve eaten tacos and drunk Coronas every day. In fact I now realise that the word coronary is obviously derived from said drink and should really be pronounced corona-ry. However in a bid to eat something different one evening, I asked for the specialty dish, and was told it was 'tortoise'. I was shocked (shellshocked?), as they are a protected species where I come from, but I thought I'd stick my neck out and try it anyway. I have to admit feeling a bit disappointed when I was served normal meat in a roll. Apparently I was eating 'tortas' and not 'tortoise'. Easy mistake to make.
I'd been told I had to see the ancient Maya ruins of Chichen Itza while in Mexico, so I did. And guess what? I arrived to find out they were another one of the New 7 Wonders Of The World. That's 3 of the 7 I've already seen on this trip (giant Jesus in Rio, Machu Picchu in Peru) without even trying. How easy is it to get on that list? I reckon they just ask you if your place/thing is wonderful, and if you say yes, they ask you 'how wonderful?', and then if you say 'very', you're in. This pyramid dates back to 800AD (around the time the Rolling Stones released their first record), and is actually a stone representation of the Mayan calender. I don't think they sold as many of these at Christmas as the ones with the photos of cats in hilarious situations.
Mexico accommodation. Lucky I went for the deluxe room then.
When the travel agent said that to fly to Cancun (Mexico) from Lima (Peru) it would have to be via Miami, I thought it would be rude not to stop there for a week. And you know I hate to be rude.
First stop: South Beach, Miami
Having just come out of the Peruvian wilderness, this was a bigger culture shock than the day Victoria Beckham found out that "Cook Islands" is a place and not an extravagant recipe instruction. Enough of the biggest, flashiest, sportiest, gas guzzling cars to give Al Gore 'An Inconvenient Heart Attack.' In fact they don´t have a ring road there, they have a bling road. I think you get the point. But I loved it!
But it was strange that just an hour down the road, you could leave it all behind and jump in a park bench with a giant hairdryer on the back and cruise the Everglades looking for alligators. Every so often the driver would nonchalantly point one out just a couple of metres from the boat, so close that you could almost count the 80 sharp teeth staring up at you (which is approximately 79 more than what most of the local humans seemed to have).
"Houston...we have a problem"... So then it was onto NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Orlando, where despite the thorough screening, bag searching, background check of your last 18 meals eaten etc, $29.95 worth of limp off-white polyester jumpsuit still made it through security. Their top scientists are still baffled as to how much sweat it can retain.
"Is that a 300 foot space rocket in your hangar or are you just pleased to see me?" Actually I was thinking of putting fatter exhausts on it, having it lowered and installing a decent soundsystem, and taking it back down to South Beach, Miami for a few laps of the strip. That'll shut 'em up.
And of course no trip to Orlando is complete without a visit to Disneyworld...so I went to Universal Studios instead.
I bet those guys feels self-conscious in those ridiculous suits.
So the train could have got me from Cusco to Machu Picchu in a few hours. The trek was going to take 1 day mountain biking and 3 days of walking to get to the same place. Altitude can make you decide stupid things. So a 4 day jungle/inca trail trek it was then.
Now some people think you should wear proper "hiking boots" on treks like this, but wanting to feel every little rock piercing my foot, blisters, and the thrill of not knowing if the grip would keep me from slipping off ridiculously high mountain paths...I decided my $30 trainers would be just right for the job
The King of Coca - walking through coca leave plantations.
Heading along an old Inca Trail.
Whilst gripping any semblance of something stable growing out of the mountain side of the trail, we carefully made every step along the stupidly thin track. The phrase "I'm an Inca, not a thinker" sprang to mind. The Incas could have just made a path along the river a few hundred metres below, but oh no, their god was a sun god, and as such they wanted to make the trail as close to him as possible. Couldn't they have just done what fellow sun-worshippers the Germans do, and just get up early and pop a beach towel down beside the pool before breakfast.
View from the Inca Trail. Including Norweigan stunt leg.
"Good evening rural Peru...are you ready to rockkkkkkkkkkkk?"
River crossings - Peruvian style. Why bother with bridges when an orange box on a piece of rope can quite dangerously do the same job.
Day 4 6,30am: Finally made it. Dawn just breaking at Machu Picchu. However shortly after photos were taken, I was ordered to remove the suit as it was against the rules. I guess over the years they finally had enough of people in Elvis suits appearing and decided to take a stand. Fortunately I've spared you the photos of me wandering round afterwards in my underwear.
With the rest of the trek group - wow, don't they all look overdressed?!
And for obvious reasons, it's also another one of the New Seven Wonders Of The World. (Machu Picchu, not the crap Elvis suit...although there is a petition up and running).
I bet they caught the train - they've got that smug look on their face.
I know what you're thinking - the perfect guinea pig would be served medium rare.
A few days spent at one of the best place names to ever be uttered by a geography teacher - Lake Titicaca. No, really, it's still funny. Photos below are of the manmade floating islands of Uros in the Peruvian part of the Lake (it's massive, and is partly in Peru, partly in Bolivia). A rare photo showing me not wearing the full white Crap Elvis suit...but fortunately the local kid had his on. Oh yeah, and that's not a banana on my head.
The islands are made of reeds as are everything else on the island (although reed microwave ovens never really caught on). The top covering of reeds on the island has to be replaced every 15 days, as the bottom layer disintegrates. For that reason, houses like the one below are designed to be lifted up - really handy if you have an argument with your neighbour. Just pick it up and move it somewhere else.
Some of the range available.... Yes - I've gone commercial! I've teamed up with cafepress to produce some shameless merchandise. Find Crap Elvis t-shirts, mugs, bags and dog jackets at www.cafepress.com/crapelvis or click any of the above items to see the full range.
